Now if you will kindly spend the time, here is part of my heart. A mere glimpse of my story. It may not be understood by you, and that’s ok. Those unscathed by lifes sorrows, or living above human suffering will be lost. Life is not a bed of roses for all. Some must trudge through the peaks ‘n valleys mostly alone for the large part. And that is another deeper story.
Here’s Why!
The childhood part wasn’t cool. At a young age I started using alcohol and drugs (same thing). I grew up to be something I told myself I would never be like. I developed into something full of hate and rage, with a using tolerance and dependency to match. With no religious or spiritual upbringing to speak of. My only safe places were in the woods or being on the river here. (Well, back then the waterways were half-way clean compared to now.) I felt a real kin to nature until all feelings became unknown and repressed except for that anger and rage, the rest were put on. School was pure hell, I was terribly over weight and withdrawn. Teased by teacher and students alike. Bullied and struck/beat as such on a daily basis. I finally just had to quit. Damage done.
Military time was a mess. I just learned how to drink anything with alcohol in it, and found new drugs. Discharged.
Also, failed at my attempts to be the peaceful Hippie type. To much Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. Finally at this point I was a fully functional addict. Now finally realizing I had to be just as crazy and violent as the rest of the world, so not to be harmed ever again physically. I done a mighty fine job of it. That was my claim to fame — to out do, out drink, out use, and act out of total insanity and hate. Have ya seen those movies about the crazy biker types? Well, that was me to the max. Be the first to show up to the party and the last to crawl to my bike and leave. (sold the bike)
So for years I didn’t see a totally straight day. It was all fun I thought, “until”, it wasn’t much fun anymore. People all around me were dying, suffering and losing it all. A socially environmental norm.
So life went on as it does for people like me. I tried to quit but could not. As I was told by most and even those “loving highly educated pro’s,” “you’re a lost cause, no hope for you”. Twelve step groups had nothing to offer at the time because I was not willing or open minded enough. Too much of that God stuff. And me being a faithful hater even of the word was not about to listen, or try to. (ego, vanity) So more pain and despair.
I was now in another time of more serious suicide attempts. But now I was going to take some folks with me. Some I thought who were causing my pain. It was all going to happen on an upcoming week-end back in `89’. But God had other plans for me. It wasn’t going to happen. I found myself in jail that Friday. Saturday morning I was forcefully, yet gently accquainted with God.
I was a withdrawing mess, suicidal, full of hate. Alone in the holding, or so I thought. Then it happened. In short, the cell took on a different light and color. There was a sound and intense feeling of rushing water, but it was not wet or physical, it was alive, moving and with voice, “living water”. This gentle loving voice said it loved me and called me by name. By this time I was pressed back on the bunk and could not move. Physical breathing became nil. These waters intensified, at a seemingly high vibrating rate penetrating every fiber of my being. I found myself basking in this ocean of love, still held in total awe of what was happening to me. (there are no proper words to use here)
To the Point — the message; “to love one another”. That is what I am to tell people, especially Christians, and their leaders, also to government officials. But, again few to none will, or have the ability to listen. Who am I to them? Just another tithe, a vote, a number, etc. (It seems our leaders have their own agenda). He said to tell you to “make straight the path of the Lord”, “there should be no divisions but to love one another”. I am to tell you that he “is coming soon”. That we have “all gone astray”. I don’t know anyone in Ireland, but he said to tell them “to seek peace, stop fighting”. And that we are to be “specific in prayer”.
There is much more but for the purpose of this I hope it will suffice. Now, several years later I am understanding more of why and what was said to me, or shown. I asked the Lord who do I follow? What church do I go to? He said “none teach the true gospel, but to love one another”. Starting my new Christian walk, unaware of all this denomination stuff, I found myself caught up in all the hatred, various “cults”, materialism, power mongers, contol freaks (like, we will help you “if” you believe this, or do that), the so called best or biggest, the celebrity manure, and all the rest of the typical arrogant, superficial stuff. Plus being told by so called preachers that God would not use such a person as myself for such a message. Don’t know much do they? He can and will use anyone he desires.
So I think you see I’m definitely not into the mainstream, or have a head full of the herding instinct, just to please, or to fit in. I don’t “fit” in. I’m not a good game player “now”, so don’t expect me to be one to play that kind of game. Status or no.
The Miracle
That being the new person I am now. There is no trying to explain it. Either you know God, (not in a box) or you don’t. I walked out of that little cell a totally changed man in body, mind, spirit, and character. Remarkable personality changes had gone on there, some intense spiritual surgery. From atheist to firm believer, with no signs of any form of withdrawal. I was over-flowing with an intense true (agape) love for everything and everybody. I had to really contain myself, I just wanted to touch, hug, and kiss everything and tell them/it that I loved them/it so very very much.
I couldn’t wait to tell my story. Well things sure didn’t go the way I thought they would. My very first encounter was with the “preacher” man that was going cell to cell. Wouldn’t ya know he didn’t believe in that stuff, and really acted strange and in a big hurry to get away from me. He left me in a sorely confused state of mind, it just didn’t figure. And I’m supposed to “shout what happened to me from the roof tops”????
So again I had to learn the hard way. I didn’t have a clue to all of this religious stuff, and all the divisions, the arrogance, bickering, and hate. All I really knew is what happened to me and I just had to isolate and feed my overwhelming compulsion to read the Bible, and whatever else spiritual I could lay my hands on. I was held in awe again to find the exact same words that I had heard in that cell laying there in black and white, some times in red, before me. And it was with new eyes I was seeing this. It wasn’t the same stuff I had read a little about or tried to use to mess with peoples minds in recovery circles prior to this.
I was on this spiritual type high for about a year. But now again I couldn’t find my way, no acceptance, no understanding, no support, no love. Atheistic counselors I had been seeing were of little help, and did more damage than good. The same for the so-called church Christian counselors, as well as other scientific/academic minded characters. (I’ll be nice.) Now I’ve found a few sincere folks out there, regretfully not in my area of the country. My greatest help came from a Christian therapy center. Now don’t get me wrong. There are some good, sincere and well meaning people here, and elsewhere, but we just don’t click. Plus after all, I’m only human too and have my character flaws. Not to mention all the various experiences on my Christian walk making it difficult to tolerate certain situations. And with my past, I’m not real keen on the idea of this “do this to fit in” control stuff and all that goes on, like being accountable: to who and what? Or, subservient and yielding “without question”. Again, to who and what?
After hearing the holy voice of the “Living Waters”, am I to obey men/women instead of God? Was Martin L. King wrong? No! He was there in my so-called “vision.” And I used to be a very predjudiced white boy. He had his dream/vision, and that’s one I’ll buy, “now”. I don’t know why it is if you’re not in a clique, in their status, their partner, in perfect agreement with “their” doctrine, then you/I will not be heard. We/I will be cursed, accused of being an accuser of the brethren, or a blasphemer. At the least ignored, or not made to feel welcome at all. The older folks and others set in their ways refuse examination on all levels, have created untold harm out of their perfection. (Don’t make the mistake of being new and sit in the wrong pew either). Too many talk the talk, but can’t or won’t walk the walk. Preachers remain silent in the pulpit to please, and stroke. Oops, don’t speak too hard, might upset a wolf. Introspection, and truth hurts. Pharisees may topple from their high pedestals. Folks may hear the truth through their own ears, realizing they have been lazy and dependent on another’s truth. Yet, if one speaks of individual truth, and questions, we are treated and talked to about terribly. Am I to expect that to be Christian?
What’s really horrible is that I do not have all that “healthy” support. I don’t have much family, no-one to really talk too. You know someone that has been there, done that, or that can at least try to understand this bitter/sweet passion of mine. Someone that won’t say “I can help but it will cost you $400.00 an hour”. Or the ones according to their religious beliefs say I am to remain silent, not utter a word about it. It has really been tough to find my path in this thing. If you can tolerate a little honesty. That’s why I say I just do not fit in. Seemingly around here anyway. That’s why I belong in this rain forest. Away from all the games and hate. Oh, and concrete!
Dating has been a thing of the past. Been searching for that elusive soulmate to no avail. And I am not that bad of a guy now at all. I have to look at what our culture is breeding too, as well as all the superficial stuff, and what is called successful. Success to me “now” is not celebrity status, high scale living, having the most toys, women, drugs. Nor is it in our levels of education, pop culture, and etc. “We have all gone astray”. It’s not all that trendy, cultural stuff. But in love and charity, true compassion.
Now don’t think I’m a shining example of Christianity, or some Saint, I’m not. If I hit myself hard with a hammer I’m not jumping up and down, flopping around like a cat fish on the sand bank saying — Thank Ya Jesus!! Nope, not yet. heh heh 🙂 I’m human (God it feels great), I know what I do Know and Know what I don’t. I’m open and willing to talk about the spiritual path with anyone.
This story may be used, but not for profit. Also, it is not intended to be twisted (as I have seen before) to suit any one particular dogma, or belief.
Some parting thoughts for you to consider. What if you had something like this happen to you? What and how do you really think you would react? Would you be awe struck, or be acting goofy like some claim? Think you would be able to get a word in edgewise if the Lord was talking to you? Would you really walk away with a hate, or disdain for others of his creation? Think after that you could live above human suffering, and ignore it? Think you could just give a little money and feel content in doing God’s wishes? Not the giving of yourself? Think you would be perfect all the rest of your days here? I really think it’s time people take a good close look at things beyond their comfort/convenient/fitting in zone.
“LOVE ONE ANOTHER”
And really ask yourself minus other’s interpretations of it….What Would Jesus “Really Do” — T.
(This experience came to me anon, it shows the struggle an experiencer goes through after being introduced to the spirit world. Everything is real again, the mind is clear. But it takes a bit to integrate back into the physical. Took me a little over three years to do it. You learn to live in the physical but not be of the physical.)
© 2009, Lekatt. All rights reserved.