This blog is more than an account of Near Death Experiences. It ponders in detail the tough questions of life. Who are you, and why are you here in this physical world? What happens when you die, and is there a judgment? However, most anything could appear here. This is not a news blog, archived posts are just as relevant as new posts. Check the boxes at the top of the page for the Contents, Contact, Forum and other links.
Those who are depressed, anxious, and generally unhappy with their lives look to others for help. What they find are other unhappy people who feel about life similar to themselves. This makes unhappiness seem normal. Truth is there are a lot of individuals who don’t like themselves. Don’t like the anxiety, depression, guilt, and pain life is handing them on a daily basis.
They may have tried the advice of others, prescription drugs, and/or professional counseling. But the pain keeps coming back. Some accept their unhappiness as inevitable. They may dislike themselves even more for losing all hope of a happy, successful life. Their lives seems to be spiraling downward out of control.
Enter “INTENT” wearing a cape crusaders suit, muscles bulging, confidence radiating, wise beyond words, your powerful protector against the vicissitudes of life has arrived. What seemed hopeless is now probable.
Definition of intent
1.having the mind, attention, or will,
concentrated on something or some end
or purpose: intent on the work.
2.a usually clearly formulated or planned intention: aim
3.purpose especially the design or purpose to act
4.the state of mind with which an act is done: volition
5.directed with strained or eager attention: concentrated
What is your intent?
Are you ready to accept less than a happy, successful existence? None should be willing to accept the role of victim. Going through life feeling you are bullied, abused, unworthy, and hopeless to do anything about it. Change becomes probable when you start using “intent” to stop being a victim, and start being a survivor.
Physical life will always be rife with conflicts, irritants, illnesses, and some devastating loses. We live in a two-faced world where “Love” duels with “Not Love” for our attention. Which do you trust/believe in: Love or Not Love?
Choose Not Love you get:
Fear, Anger, Hate, Jealousy, Hopelessness,
and other negative emotions.
Choose Love you get:
Compassion, Caring, Kindness, Empathy,
and other positive emotions.
Time to choose is now, how to choose is simple.
You choose by saying with intent to yourself: “I choose Love.” Say it again with intent and it becomes an Affirmation. Say it with intent several times a day. Then say with intent: “I will Love” along with “I choose Love.” Use the powerful emotion of “intent” to say a list of Affirmations twice a day. In the morning and just before bed. The list I used can found here. But it is OK to modify the list to better suit your needs, or even write your own from scratch.
I noticed an improvement in the third week. It strengthened my intent for doing them. I did Affirmations for one full year, no more migraine headaches, panic attacks, anxious worry, and pain. I also read self-help books and spiritual material. I put together the resources that helped me the most in a resource file for those who wish to know.
The affirmation method is widely used and widely successful. If you decide to take the journey, I wish you the best of everything. Godspeed. Love.
I should probably share a bit about my life prior to the NDE, so you can understand the full impact of what happened to me.
I am 26 years old. I had my NDE when I was 22, in April of 1998. It was due to my suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I was little I was severely abused by my father and grandfather, I was also a victim of child pornography and prostitution. I had been involved in alcohol and drugs and had an eating disorder for many years. At the time of my “death” I was trying to get my life in order, but with little success. My past was still too painful to face, and without facing the past, I could not successfully and healthfully live in the present. I believe it was these forces which emotionally and physically ripped me in two.
One of the problems that came along with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was an inability to fall asleep. I was an insomniac. I was terrified of sleeping, since night time and sleep had long been equated with abuse. I started to get less and less sleep. Going from 5 hours, to 4, to 3, to 2, to 1 if I was lucky, until at the very end I wasn’t sleeping at all. I simply let myself deteriorate. I had lost my will to live, and I was starving myself as well as not drinking enough fluids. After 6 nights of not sleeping at all, I wound up in the hospital, severely ill.
The doctors told my mother that they didn’t know if I would make it or not. (She did not tell me this until years later). All I remember was that I was in the hospital room, and all of a sudden I was surrounded by this bright yellowish-white, almost golden light. It was brighter off into the distance, and I was seeing this light as though it were superimposed over the landscape out the window. All of a sudden, I was somehow being pulled towards this light, and it was the most undescribable feeling of peace and love I had ever experienced. It was pure ecstacy. My heart was alive, it felt as though I had streams of cool endlessly flowing water running through it, and it was the most exhilirating feeling! I never wanted the feeling to stop and I was so happy!! (for the first time in my life!) I was just enthralled and held in this state for what felt like a long time. It were as though all knowledge was being poured through me, that nothing was being held back. I was so loved, and all of my questions were being answered.
Then I heard a nurse screaming at me. She sounded so angry, and I could see her as though I were looking from a point near the corner of the ceiling looking down. She was grabbing me and trying to give me some medicine. I wasn’t responding to her. Finally I was somehow back in my body, and I do not remember the entire sequence of events after that, but that was when things got very weird and scary.
I hovered around death for the remainder of the day (the first experience was in the early afternoon). I was very, very sad to be back. At the same time I was able to “sense” certain things. I was able to look at my grandmother and see the pain that her past had caused. I could “hear” the guilt she felt over an abortion in her past, and how she buried that pain. I could “feel” and sense negative thoughts around people. I could literally sense what they were thinking. This really fascinated me, although it was a bit frightening. I wanted to love everyone! The only people I was not sensing negativity coming from were my mother, who had long ago worked through a lot of her own psychological issues, and a male nurse named Michael. From them, I only sensed concern over my well-being.
I remained in this state for a while, but then my own negative past took over. Since I hadn’t really dealt with the painful issues of my past they hit me full on. All the old guilt, pain, and buried anger came soaring back, only this time, I felt it was going to consume me. And consume me it did. I started thinking how unworthy I was of what I had experienced, I started thinking all these horrible, bad thoughts about myself and I sank back into my old state of gut wrenching depression. That’s when I had my second NDE. This one was the most horrible thing that anyone could imagine.
I was lying in the bed when all of a sudden I experienced this blackness. There was no light, there was nothing. It wasn’t even that I could see the blackness, it just existed, and I knew it was there. All of a sudden there were these beings all around me. I can’t remember how many, but I felt that they were beings that had been around me for a while and had been waiting for this moment. They started pulling at me and took me to this place of absolute desperation. There was nothing, and yet I existed in this horrible void. The essense of this void was that it was an ABSENCE OF GOD. I want to stress that emphatically. It was absolute torture..nothing, absolutely nothing can describe this pain. It was my worst nightmare come true. The beings there told me that all of my family was doomed to be in the void and that it would be my fault. Even talking about it is very, very hard. It was pure terror.
I don’t remember how I came back, but after what seemed like an eternity I was back in the hospital, in my body. I tried to tell people about what I had experienced, but they thought I was crazy. I told my fiance at the time about what I had experienced. I could not stop talking about it. He left me two weeks later. I recovered physically, but not emotionally. The negative effects of the second experience stayed with me for three years! (and over the past year the positive effects of the first one have been coming out). I gave up all faith in everything, but at the same time I outwardly professed a lack of belief, inwardly I feared I was doomed to that awful void, and that very many people were also going there.
I no longer believe that. The main difference between the two NDE’s, I believe, was my state of mind at the time. During the first one, I knew in my heart that I was loved, I was ready for a peaceful death and it happened. During the second one, I was letting my deepest fears play out in front of me. I thought I was beyond help and beyond hope. I truly believe that had I asked for help during the second one, it would have come. Instead, I felt not even God could help me, and I remained in that awful place.
I couldn’t escape from the after effects of these experiences, as much as I tried. Over the past three years, I have seen a “ghost” and have had other bizarre encounters with supernatural forces. Things touch me when there is nothing or no one who could possibly have done so. I have had a phone call from my dead aunt when I was in a time of distress. I’ve had prophetic dreams. I am having an awful time with thunderstorms because lightning is drawn to me like a magnet. Over the past year, lightning has come within literally inches of striking me numerous times. Usually at a distance of about two feet, but the last strike was literally within inches.
My doctor even joked that I might have a metal plate in my head that I don’t know about. I can feel energy coursing through me at times. I can sense the emotions of animals and plants. And sometimes I can sense spirits around people, their loved ones that are trying to guide them and get messages through to them. My body has also changed. I can no longer eat any kind of meat or it will sour in my stomach. Processed foods bother me and make me feel ill. I buy organic groceries. I need to exercise or I sink into a depression. I cannot ingest into my body anything that in anyway harms it.
At the time of my “death” I was a Catholic, but I have since then expanded my views to a more universal one of love, not being dictated by dogma or religion, since I firmly believe that when it comes down to it, God is pure energy, pure Love, and nothing more, but S/he will manifest in whatever form is most loving and comforting to you. I still have my good days and my bad days, days where I feel out of balance and out of touch, but as I am healing my past, those are becoming less and less frequent with each passing day.
I am no where near perfect, but I try to live my life based from my heart and share love with all those I meet. I think of all the things my near-death experiences taught me, the most important thing was to share the love I was given with others, letting them know they are not alone and that we are all very special and wonderful. I am constantly amazed at how many people deny this reality, and it can become very frustrating at times. I can see how if everyone would awaken to this beauty, what a wonderful world this place would become. There would be no more wars and hatred. There would only be love. I have lost some friends over this. They see me as being naive and childlike and have told me so. (and many of them are themselves peace and civil rights activists).
It hurts me, but I know that without a connection to that divine source I felt when I “died”, I am lost. I know one thing I need to work on is accepting people for where they are, since I have an uncanny ability now to get directly to the heart of any unresolved emotional issues and try to get them to work on them whether they are ready to or not. But I feel that if I can help just one person to realize how wonderful and loved they truly are, then my life will be worth it. I am intensely grateful to God for letting me glimpse the afterlife and to know that we are all here on a mission, each and everyone of us.
(For an explanation of this catagory, and the letters posted here, go to the first post in this catagory).
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I did something a little spontaneous this morning. I tried to do some affirmations a little different. Kinda like….how would the Holy Spirit talk to me.
Example…………I always come out on top. I make good decisions and am in tune with my inner voice. I have overcome much guilt and have forgiven myself. I go from thought to thought easily and am comforted by the knowledge I am guided and blessed. I feel the ONE who walks with me and draw on HIS strength when I am in need.
Things become easier as I relax and trust myself. I am a good person. I have talents. I am intellegent. I forgive myself easily when I make a mistake in thought and just continue with my peace as before. I am learning to love myself and my choices. I am learning to be grateful for and love my mistakes and error prone decisions. I can turn back time when I forgive because it never happened in God’s mind to begin with.
I have all the time I need because I am eternal and have the ability to heal anything with God’s help. I am powerful because God created me powerful and is always with me. I accept the Holy Spirit’s help in thinking loving thoughts. I accept God’s bounty and comfort. There is no greater gift than God’s peace, and I have it. All things are secondary to Love.
If I have Love I have everything. I am invincible and eternal but I accept my changing body given me for a learning purpose. I accept my decision to come here and love myself for being brave enough to do it. I can hear God’s voice if I listen. I can feel God’s embrace if I stand still. I can accept God’s love and forgiveness if I close my eyes and become one with Him.
I am an extension of God. I have a high calling. I am a healer. My life is blessed. I have only one enemy, myself, and I know how to forgive myself and change. Love trumps all pain, death, illusion, sadness and time bound ideas. More and more love is the way of the Universe.
Love is infinite so it never stops multiplying………………..
Last night I couldn’t sleep and tried to meditate and pray while laying in bed in various modes of rest and sleep. Who can be in this world and think there is nothing else and be happy? Seems to me the connection to God and Love is essential to living a happy life.
Everything we touch, see and hear in this world ends. It’s such a dark thought that the random accident of evolved biology we call our brain “figured out” a way to be self aware and that there really is no “self,” only random atoms that got together in an intelligent way without any intelligent guidance for some reason to play a cruel trick on us, and to give us the ability to think we are a “self.” Further, that we are playing a cruel trick on ourselves creating a belief in a “self” when all along we are nothing. Only a mass of atomic energy swirling around that somehow taught itself to delude itself into thinking it was something more than the body when proclaiming a “self.” All misery comes from thinking we are alone, and destined to die and cease existence. Worse yet, that we will suffer IF there is another realm, and worse yet, suffer for eternity if there is an eternity. So the Course in Miracles teaches us that all suffering comes from the guilt of separation. I find this to be true, why should I feel guilty about anything if I know I am part of the living God, but the original “sin” or thought keeps rattling around and causing pain. In any case now I have no trust that I am connected to my Source when I am fearing for my job because I see no positive things happening, and reason that there just might not be a God working on my behalf. Just as bad is the thought that God exists but is unaware or uncaring of my plight. So I feel guilt because the consequence of my separation thoughts has caused my unbelief and fear, depression, you name it.
I feel very fortunate to have been raised at a time when there was great reverence for the divinity of God. In the times that I remember feeling a connection in Mass, or elsewhere, I never felt anything but a great Love awaiting me.
What am a telling you this for? I know I have a different understanding of God now. Guess I’m just looking over my old beliefs and experiences to try and see bright spots of connections and understanding that I have experienced.
Well, I’ve wandered in my writing, really only reminiscing now.
