Love's Courageous Child.
Cool website. I agree, the lasting impression from an NDE is profound.
When I was 11 years old, I got a sore throat that didn't go away and because I come from a family of 10, going to the doctor was a luxury. The sore throat, left untreated, was discovered to be strep and since it cannot go away with antibiotics, the strep infection settled in my kidneys and I then had a kidney infection/diseased called Nephritis (Bright's Disease). The second night in the hospital, I started to cry when my Mom and Dad were going home after visiting, because instinctively, I knew I would never see them again. Because I was a kid, I knew they were keeping this from me; however, the body and the mind KNOW. They left wondering why I was acting so strange. Eleven year olds don't cry like that when Mommy and Daddy leave. Well, at 11 p.m. that night, the hospital called to tell my parents that it wasn't likely that I would survive the night. Last rites were given and they monitored me all night, every 15 minutes.
In between the blood pressure monitorings, I remember being in the corner of the room, near the ceiling and looking down at my body as the nurse took my blood pressure. I wondered, hmmmmmmmmm, what the heck am I doing down there? I'm obviously up here! Seemed strange, but I didn't worry about it. All of a sudden, there was a suction and I was moving through a tunnel at very, very, very high speed. When I came to an abrupt halt, I noticed 8 lighted beings off to my right and a big, beautiful white light directly in front of me.
Wow, I thought, and started heading towards that white light. I remember feeling a lot of peace, not sick, and the light seemed to have a "personality" or "essence" to it. It wasn't just a big 'ol floodlight. Felt great and I loved it. Just as I was walking towards the light, the lighted beings (angels--no wings) called me over to the side and told me to wait for a more superior being to arrive. I waited. The being arrived and then showed me part of my past and some of my future.
In particular, my little brother, Tim. Well, Tim is very hyper and a bit of a brat, so my response to the angels when shown some "footage" of Tim acting up and not being nice to me was, "Well, yea, Timmy's a brat." as if everyone in the Universe already knew that and there was nothing more to know. I was told by the angels, "Do not make their problem, your problem, Dear One." OK, I thought and thoughts are how you communicate here, not voice. It didn't make much sense, but OK. I was then asked if I wanted to go into the light or back to the body. This seemed like Sophie's Choice to me, so I looked back down the tunnel and then turned my head and back to the light, back down the tunnel, back to the light, back and forth, back and forth.
I understood that there were boundaries there and that if I went into the light, I could not come back and visa versa. I also understood that what I could have there I couldn't have here and what I could have with my body, I couldn't have there. I was told that I would be ill and that was not negotiable. I was also told that they would never leave me and all I had to do was ask for their help and help would arrive. At that point I said, "I want to live." and as I finished the thought, I felt that same strong suction grab me again and carry me back down the tunnel. I did not re-enter the body gently. It was like a big BAM! and I opened my eyes and the nurse was standing next to me taking my blood pressure ... again or still? Well, I looked up at her and said, "I'm going to be OK, now." She looked at me as if I was delusional, but then I started healing in leaps and bounds leaving the docs and staff with their heads spinning.
I remember they wheeled me downstairs to get an EKG the next day and I thought, "You're a day late and a dollar short. It has been decided. I'm fine now." Well, the doctor didn't really understand why I was healing all of a sudden, but attributed it to the penicillin shot I got. I'm sure it helped, but well, no. He kept me there for 2 weeks and then released me. I healed completely, but at 31 years old, almost exactly 20 years later, I was diagnosed with a form of Muscular Dystrophy, which is incurable.
I remembered that I came back because in the moment I decided, I thought even if my body doesn't work quite right, I will always have the help of these angels and I want to come back for my shot at love. I understood that everything was worth it for love. I wanted it that much. Even though love was in the tunnel, clearly and abundantly, love with a body and in the physical world was a gift and I knew it and was willing to do so with a body that wouldn't work right. This was not negotiable. It was dictated to me and I needed to choose if I would return, not what kind of body I could return to.
Ironically, even though I was cured of the kidney disease one year later, the diagnosis 20 years later meant my family would be tested in ways I couldn't imagine. I always asked for help from my angels and I did not hide the fact that I believed in angels. This labeled me as "nuts" for my family to ridicule and my brother Tim and sister Jenny has refused to allow me to see their children. They don't want them to have "my influence." On Christmas, when I was in the hospital for surgery, they all brought me a figurine of an angel to the hospital, but then refused to let me see their kids.
Strange. So, the advice that the angels gave me, "Do not make their problem, your problem, Dear One." now makes sense to me, many, many, many years later. There have been days I have regretted choosing to come back, but overall, I am challenged to discover my place in this world and yes, I have been asked to marry. I have said no to all. They would have provided security, etc., but not the love I stood in when I went to that white light. I know that it is out there and I am not afraid of my family members telling me that I am some loser for not marrying.
When I go back to that tunnel with a white light, I do not want to have to say, "Yes, I know you taught me what love is when I was here last, but I had a little peer pressure, so I married Mr. OK. I didn't want to be the last kid to get married, you know." I can handle the ridicule. I want what I experienced in that tunnel with a white light or nothing at all. I was a kid though, and acceptance of my illness and my body in this culture has been brutal. I have been told many reasons why I am ill ranging from "got myself sick (and supported by the Bible)." to I must have eaten the wrong foods, been depressed, or am trying to get attention.
None of the above are true and I don't feel the need to prove that to anyone. My values are different from my family's and when people meet me and my family, they swear I was not raised in the family I have. Some other guidance has been there .... healing me and loving me.
Love and Light, mnspiritsoars.