Why was I brought back?
I would like to tell my story because I do not understand why it happened to me, and why I was brought back to experience more pain.Don't get me wrong. I am happy I had the experience. It's just that I have had to experience so much pain so early in my life (until I was 10, I lived with my mentally ill mother, did not eat regularly, missed one year of school, and basically lived in her world of illusion with her).
When I was 14. I wrote in my diary every day that I wanted to go "home". I was living in an abusive situation (verbal, emotional) with my step-mother and father. I wanted to die, had stopped believing in God (but had been an incredibly spiritual child), and was playing around with drugs and alcohol. My grades were D's and F's.
One day at school during class I felt only slightly under the weather. I hated school, and thought that if I went to the nurse I might be able to get out of school that day. When the nurse took the thermometer out of my mouth she gasped and said I needed to go home immediately. I was sporting a fever of 104!! It was very strange, because I felt only slightly clammy. My stepmother picked me up, and I think the nurse told her that I should see a docter right away. My stepmother disrgarded this and dropped me off at home then went back to work.
I started to feel worse about then, and went to bed. What happened next is strange, but I know it happened and I will never forget it.
In a strange half sleep state (some may call delerium, I was definitely feeling feverish and ill by this time) I started hearing roaring sounds, like planes and engines flying close to our house right above me and all around. After a little while of this I did not notice that they were growing silent and at some point I felt myself being sucked into a pleasantly warm black tunnel. I was swirling, sinking down this tunnel. It felt like it dipped down, and then started coming back upwards. As I travelled upwards I began to notice light at the end, or it was just getting lighter, or something. Anyway, the tunnel became a memory and I found myself coming up through a stream of water (like I was being born into another world through this stream) I stepped into the shallow part and looked around. I was in a very beautiful place. All vibrant green, and loving and serene. (The only really strange thing was that in the water as I was rising there were parts of broken apart fish in the stream, and some blood, but it was not at all scary. I am a pisces, and that is the only connection I can find). Anyway, I remember being very, very compelled to get out of the stream and experience that forest, or garden or whatever it was. It gave me such a gorgeous feeling. I felt like I was home, and like the place loved me, or knew me. So I started to walk into it, but just as I was about to reach the grass at the edge of the stream, I was sucked backwards through the water, down the tunnel, and up into my bed where I woke with a start.
I sat up in my bed and found that I couldn't remember what had just happened to me. I knew it was not a dream, and I knew something extraordinary had just happened, but when I tried to recall any of it, it was as if I was watching someone quickly erasing a letter as I was trying to read it. I got glimpses, barely, but was having a very difficult time constructing a picture. I immediately reached by my bed for my diary and started writing down ANYTHING that I could remember. I do not know how, but somehow I restructured the events. It took a lot of work. I kind of feel like I was not supposed to remember it, and that there is more to my experience than I've been allowed to remember. For instance I feel like I heard someone say "no", but I do not have a memory of it. I have a feeling about it.
Anyway I had no fever and felt like a million bucks when I woke up. I felt peaceful, and full of serenity. I felt like I could no longer be hurt by my stepmother. I felt lovingly wiser than she. I told my father, who had been like a great spiritual mentor to me for years, about what happened, and I think it scared him. He passed it off.
I was frustrated a little, but mostly I was filled with so much love that it didn't bother me too much. Now I think my father believed me, and knew that I had been there, but couldn't tell me that because then he would have to admit that he and my stepmother had been neglectful and that I could have died in their care because I was not taken to a docter.
Anyway, my grades began to improve incredibly, I just kind of stopped doing the drugs, and drinking, and I was more peaceful inside than I had been for years. I was at peace by myself. I took walks by myself to think.
I started talking to my higher power again too. I took great care of myself. This well being was with me up until I was just about to start high school. In fact it was with me the very day before I was to have my first day of classes. I was 15 now, and still a virgin. My life looked so full of promise. I was more confident than I had ever been, and God gave that too me.
The night before the first day of school I was raped by my best friend's "boyfriend". He was 21. Two months later I dropped out of school, and this guy terrorized me, and stalked me for 3 years. I did not tell anyone. I blamed myself. It ruined me, and life got immediately bad again. Worse than ever, in fact. I developed phobia's of people, eating disorders, and severe depression. I could not reach out to anyone because I felt like I was worthless.
My life has never been as wonderful as that time when I was 14. It has since the rape, been only confusing and unreliable. I still believe in God, but I do not know why that happened to me just after he gave me that beautiful gift. I have distant memories of being beautiful on the inside, like I was shining like a light. I have not felt that way since. Does anyone have any wisdom for me? I'm sorry this was so long. I just want to get everything in so that someone may be able to understand and help me to do the same.
Thank you.
A.(The light still shines within, still beautiful, still loving. The author has been emailed by other NDEers.)
