Angels and things not so wonderful.
I forgot this happened, it was so long ago. It wasn't the sort thing I felt the need to tell anybody about, it was simply too personal, and then I forgot it happened.My step brothers and I were hyperventilating as a way to pass the time, get into trouble or whatever. We would crouch down and breath hard, then stand up and quickly tense all our muscles while someone bear-hugged. It was a way of passing out, and when you came to everything felt a little different, fuzzy, you know. Well, when I passed out, no one caught me. My head bounced on the concrete floor.
With no segue I was looking at my body. There was no question as to whether it was normal or not. There was all black except for my body which I could see, and a bunch of nurse-angels hovering around it, (hovering like they weren't affected by gravity). They were busy doing things to the body, especially around the head and neck. I especially remember the one who hovered over the body doing something. It felt like she was whispering things to me. And I kinda felt like someone was standing there with me. Then I woke up, again with no segue.
Those angels were so pretty! Some things remind me of them, some seashells, some feathers.
My step-brothers said that my body shook alot and then I woke up. At the time they weren't a very caring bunch, though we have all matured since then.
Later a friend of theirs came over. He was sexually exploitative, and raped me with a broom stick. Now it seems a pretty ugly thought, but at the time it was just part of what I was going through.
Eventually he went away, the situation went away, and I found time to be with myself. I was not all that concerned with being used and humiliated sexually in front of my step-brothers, again, my life was pretty shitty then, and it was just part of what I was living through. It was neither the first nor the last time. I was thinking about what happened while everything was black, and angels worked on my body. I felt centered then, I was myself, and it didn't hurt to be me then. I wanted to be back in that space.
Well, years passed, and I forgot about it. I attempted suicide a few times, once with absolute intent, but suicide seems to be a rather difficult thing for me to succeed at. I have always been different, and so creating my own philosophy on life has come naturally to me. When other people's NDE's came into my awareness, I read about them voraciously for a few years, especially as relates to suicide. One night about a year and half ago I felt a stronger than normal sensation of being out of my body, being half in this reality and half in some other unknown but spiritual reality. I got up to get grounded, found some friends and was just talking when all this came out.
I marvel at the faith of those angels, they must have had a lot of belief in me that I could get beyond where I was. That they fixed my body and sent me back into the ring to get raped, they must have known that I wouldn't want to be here, would try to get out. I do not know if their belief has been well founded, I still feel suicidal.
But I am still alive, too, and ever trying to find a way to feel good about myself.
M.
(added on 10-28-2007)
Just wanted to let you know that I am still alive after all these years. I happened back upon your website again, reread my story, and thought it could use an update.
Suicide is not something I fixate on as much anymore. Although my life situation hasn't gotten all that much better, I do seem to be able to better deal with it. (Admittedly, I am still not the most mature person walking the planet...) I guess I just figure that life will be too much when it finally finishes me, and until then I will just roll with it. That said, I suppose I am not trying real hard to make my life better.(Or maybe I am just more patient with life than I used to be.) Oh, I enjoy living alright, but I don't fight for life very much. And besides, no one really listens to me, so why bother? I suppose even this will eventually even out, as I slowly grow more and more grounded in myself. Dead or alive, we still walk the same path to self-understanding and even awareness.
M.
