Thoughtful Living
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Author Topic: Why?  (Read 2824 times)
haj
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« on: April 23, 2008, 03:43:39 AM »

Okay I’m a girl, and one of the first symptoms of self hatred that I had from a very young age was this deep disgust for how I look, particularly my face. The thing is, is that I'm not deformed I look very ordinary. But till this day I can't stand my face. Depending on how I wear my hair I can look attractive but with my hair back off my face I'm just not very nice to look at. I know this because of the difference in the amount of attention I receive from guys when my hair is back that just my bare face is not that pretty.

This has caused me a lot of pain my entire life, especially because my mom put it into my head at a young age that I could be a model. I became obsessed with models and compared myself to them for half of my life. I'm 20 going on 21. When I was twelve my mom even took me to Elite and when they rejected me I can’t tell you how bad this made me feel. My entire life I felt I was so hideous to look at since I was about 5 years old. I would stare into the mirror and just feel so much disgust and hatred for what I saw staring back at me.

Anyway I know this seems so insignificant, and in some ways, many ways offensive to bring up since I don't have any kind of physical disabilities and I wasn't born deformed or anything, although I have felt like I look deformed my entire life. But I just want to know if anyone has felt this way, and if anyone has endured immense depression from this mainly. If so has anyone received any answer on why God created some people to have such pleasing features and why others are made to have lets call them less than pleasing faces to look at.

I understand why some people are born deformed. They are a living breathing testiment to how you cannot judge a person on face value. And also people who become deformed from fires and such. Like this beautiful Indian woman i saw on Montell who had acid thrown on her face by her husband. You see I now I don't have a right to feel this way, at my age I should have grown out of this. But these feelings are still with me. I can't escape it, as long as I have to look at myself each morning. Surely I did not chose this body to live in. It had to have been chosen for me. Right?
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Sam
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2008, 06:44:26 AM »

Hi Haj

It is not so much that you don't have a right to feel bad about yourself, anyone can feel bad or good about themselves, that is a matter of choice. Now we could go into all the things that caused you to feel bad like being rejected as a model, but it is not really important why you feel like you do, it is only important to find out the truth about yourself. I suspect the truth is you are a normal girl that spends a great deal of time worrying about her looks when she should be doing and enjoying life. The plan here is to let go of the thoughts of self and replace them with thoughts of other things more beneficial.

I don't know anything about you, and if you would care to share, tell me what your interests are, work, hobbies and such. Maybe we can use these things to help you choose positive thoughts about yourself. Thoughts that will match the real you and not someone you feel bad about.

In the meantime I am going to ask you to do some positive affirmations on a daily basis, these will help in all phases of your life. You can find them at this link, just follow the directions. http://aleroy.com/Affirm.htm  These affirmations can also be listened to by following the link on the page. Please write back and tell me what you think so I can maybe provide more help.

Love

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. -- George Carlin
haj
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2008, 09:14:35 PM »

Thanks for the reply Sam. I will definitely try my best to apply those positive affirmations. I actually tried something like that similar in the past but I didn't stay with it so it didn't work. I’m not gonna lie I'm actually very burned out from this obsession. I have never even had a long time boyfriend because of these insecurities. I'm always afraid that I will be cheated on or left because they'll get tired of being with someone that’s not "up to par". Deep down I know it's not true. I know that when people make a spiritual and mental connection looks become second and even at times last in the equation.

But this insecurity is always there. I'm a very jealous person. I don't even want to put people through that. It seems trivial to people I know but it's a real problem, I am suicidal and the way that i feel about my looks is one of the reasons. But what kind of afterlife will I experience if I kill myself for vanity. I would destroy my entire family. Certain people will not be able to take it. As it stands there are some people that love me a great deal who have fragile mental states.

As for the reasoning behind my becoming obsessed with my looks, it does stem from sexual abuse at a very young age by someone that was supposed to be watching me. He told me to do some very degrading things, and I obeyed. I was five but he was only around 13 or 14. My guess is that someone did the same thing to him. But it just made me feel so disgusted with myself. I really felt like I did something wrong. If i would have called out someone would have been there to stop it. But at that age I just always did what i was told by familiar people that were older than me especially if they were taking care of me. Though I know now that it wasn't my fault and I was too young to know any better and all that. I'm just writing this so that maybe I could be understood a little better. It's not for sympathy, I happen to know people that have experienced much worse, by people who are actually related to them. But moving along.

This is when I started this obsession with my looks. But I'm not sure that it wouldn't have happened later on in life no matter what I experienced. It seems like looks have always been very important to the people around me. Teachers would comment on cute kids to parents and other adults would do the same all the time. But people rarely ever did that with me. I know this is a symptom of what I experienced as a child, but I'm not sure all of it is.

I’m just tired of this. While everyone else is enjoying life I’m worrying about my face. I’ve lost many friends because of it. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m ashamed of in search of validation. I’m just tired. I feel like I never asked for this pitiful existence that I’ve been forced to endure. But I also sense a lot of truth from most of the nde’s that I’ve read about.

I used to be an artist, but because of depression I stopped doing a lot of things that I loved and was good at. I also used to sing but I stopped doing that as much. I go to school for acting but I don’t put 100 percent effort into it because in reality I’ve given up. I don’t like myself. I never liked myself. I hate how I look, and I just really want to die. That’s it. I found this place because I’m looking for some strength to stay for my family. But in all honesty if I wasn’t brought up Christian and the fear of fire and brimstone wasn’t drilled into my head since birth I would have killed myself a long time ago. Now I don’t care about any of that stuff I was taught. I had a lot of disdain in my heart for that Christian God I was taught about. I only ever felt fear for him but no love or comfort. But now I really couldn’t care less if he exists or not. Either way I will suffer.

I have always wanted to do some type of work in a field where I could help people. But as with all the rest of the things I wanted to do in my life the motivation just wasn't there. But I'm still here so I know can still I'll try.

PS. Sorry for the ridiculously long post.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2008, 10:29:20 PM by haj » Logged
Sam
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2008, 09:35:03 PM »

Ok, I read and understand where you are coming from.

The abuse is not your fault, you didn't ask for it. But I know saying that doesn't help much.

I would like to see you get back into life, start doing your art again, and when you study acting write yourself a character that does love and respect themselves and play that part over and over again.

It really doesn't do much good to know why you feel bad, it is more important to learn to feel good about yourself and that takes practice. I have seen many people do this over the years and I know that you can do it also in time.

As for God, He is love, God will never harm you in any way and you are an eternal being. You are going to live forever, so you have all the time you need to get in touch with the real you. Your spiritual self is flawless and perfect, always has been and always will be. Your physical self is temporary, so let the real spiritual you shine into the physical part, others will notice you are beautiful. Everyone has an inner beauty, and it is not hard to find. You are loved and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are perfect as God created you. Try to keep up the affirmations because they do work well over time. Have you tried listening to them also before you go to sleep is best time.

I would like for you to read the section on suicide, also. It will help with positive thoughts. Your basic belief about yourself will change as you do them.

http://aleroy.com/Suicide.htm

This section is to help you learn to love yourself and then all others. It won't be long before you will be ready to help others, you are only a thought away.

Write and tell me your thoughts and what you have done, I will always want to hear from you.

Love
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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. -- George Carlin
NowIsForever
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LaserLite

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« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2008, 09:58:31 PM »


I’m just tired of this. While everyone else is enjoying life I’m worrying about my face. I’ve lost many friends because of it. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m ashamed of in search of validation. I’m just tired. I feel like I never asked for this pitiful existence that I’ve been forced to endure. But I also sense a lot of truth from most of the nde’s that I’ve read about.


Dear haj,

Edgar Cayce was a modern day prophet who read the Bible once for every year of his life.  He was brought "kicking and screaming" into the realization that reincarnation is a fact.  This Seer gave enormous comfort to people of the world both mental and physical and helped Western Civilization to better understand the meaning of Karma.  Karma is not something that is put upon us; Karma is something we do to ourselves.  For most people their concept of who they are is far, far, smaller that what they truly are.  While ensconced in this body on earth we can only attend to some small aspect of our eternal selves.  We are here to remove negative aspects of ourselves and promote positive ones.  Until we get it right we will be coming back to "take another shot at it."

Edgar Cayce on Karma, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

"According to Edgar Cayce, a 20th century American mystic, Karma is the meeting of oneself in the present through thoughts and deeds from the past. Karma is tied to the concept of reincarnation and balance.

"Karma is neither a debt that must be paid according to some universal tally sheet, nor is it necessarily a set of specific circumstances that must be experienced because of deeds or misdeeds perpetrated in the past. Karma is simply a memory. It is a pool of information that the subconscious mind draws upon and can utilize in the present. It has elements that are positive as well as those which may seem negative."

Your question is "Why?"  I interpret that as "Why do I suffer so much?"  The answer differs for every individual, but is rooted in their past.  The goal of life is evolution; we seek always to be a better version of ourselves, to be the best we can imagine ourselves to be.  It isn't always easy, but becoming a better person is always satisfying.

Regarding suicide:  You are right to be scared or hesitant to make this choice.  Most of the NDEs I have read concerning suicide indicate that it is like going from the proverbial "pan into the fire."  Those who do not have a bad experience are also enormously grateful that they can continue to live and improve their lives rather than standing back and letting life happen to them.  Personally I have always felt that I will take what comes and do the best that I can and if in the end death is thrust upon me, then SO BE IT.  I look forward to death, but am quite willing to live for the glory of life in general and for God.  In fact if I have my way I will live a very long time indeed.  My goal is 10,000 years, but a million would not be a problem.  I am here to serve God whenever I can and in whatever way that I can.  If I can enjoy myself in this process, then so much the better, but my concern is with becoming perfect and as God-like as I possibly can.

By the way, I like the way you write--you express yourself very well.  If you would like to communicate with me on a more personal basis I would like to be your friend.  My account on myspace:  http://www.myspace.com/laserlite.  My website (blog) is WeHaveForever.com and you can put charles@ in front of that to email me there.

Love Always, namaste,

     -- Charles
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"We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter." -- Mark Twain
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