In August, 2000, I was air-lifted for emergency surgery following a head-on auto collision. Putting my 17 broken bones and crushed pelvis back together required two surgeries that totalled more than 18 hours under anesthesia over a 36-hour period. The poor surgeon had to pull double duty with me and was really unhappy about it afterwards. He visited my hospital room and said, "You didn't leave me anything bigger than a potato chip to work with on your right pelvis."
I was rather amused by this at the time, since morphine was blunting most of my pain.
But I was mortally terrified of the helpless state I was in, unable to move, unable to act for myself, unable to take control over my life.
And, in that state, about a week after the surgeries, I had an encounter with a Being I perceive as God. . . and it has left me changed.
During this experience, I was floating in complete darkness, looking down at my naked body, watching the filaments of my soul rising to the surface, a butterfly-type entity with gauzy, insubstantial wings. The core of my soul was the only source of illumination in this place, but my soul was rising from my circulatory system throughout my body. I knew, as it was happening, that it longed to be free of this pain-racked body, but I had no feelings whatsoever about knowing I was watching myself leave this broken vessel behind.
Just as my soul had risen clear of my skin, a Being appeared in front of me, a much more powerful source of light that I recognized as being the same light that pulsed in my soul. I moved toward it, but the Being stretched out a powerful arm and pinned my soul to my solar plexus. The message was clear: I was not going to leave this body.
My soul erupted in fury, becoming a vampyric creature with vicious teeth, chewing off God's arm to the elbow with blood splattering everywhere.
In an instant, all the carnage was gone, God's arm was whole again and my soul was still pinned in place, unable to leave my body.
My soul attacked again and again, with the same result. Finally, exhausted, I quit trying and my soul retreated into my body, which slumped into a heap at the feet of this Being. I knew that I had no power to overcome the Will of this Being and that my fears/desires/terror of being crippled were of no consequence to such an Omnipotent Power. I cowered in terror, convinced that I was to be punished forever for my rage.
And then I was back in my body, awake. Dream? Morphine hallucination? NDE? OBE?
I don't know. But as time has gone by, my anxiety about what lesson I am supposed to learn and how I am supposed to change is growing day by day. I am indeed, somewhat impaired after the accident, walking unassisted with a limp, one leg shorter than the other, racked with arthritis pain most of the time.
I don't know what it means, still. And I am more afraid of dying now than I ever was before, terrified that I won't learn what I'm supposed to learn before I come to the end of my appointed days.
(I believe it will take time for you to realize that you do know what to learn, and that you have been doing it all along. Confusion and uncertainty must come before wisdom. God will not harm you, God loves you.)