"Home, I'm Going Home."
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
In 1961 at age seventeen I went to bed a cheerful, atheist, school girl.
Hours later I was slowly waking up due to feelings of intense joy, speeding forward, sitting up with my legs crossed. The faster I went the more intense the feelings became and I was totally awake in inky darkness absolutely overcome with complete joy.
Then I knew, "HOME, I'm going HOME." I was amazed, "How did I know that? If I had ever been here before I would have remembered this! I never would have forgotten about this." The faster I went the more excited I became. Then I realized I was finally awake. I had woken up. My whole life I had been asleep.
This was astonishing as I had always thought I was awake in life and now knew I was finally, gloriously awake. There is no memory of my arrival here. Almost as if my memory was blacked out. I was standing in a white robe looking downward while three men wearing glowing robes were discussing me. I think they had been talking to me. I was absolutely and completely, joyously content to be with them. Not anyone I knew and yet I am positive I did know them and they certainly knew me.
Number one said, "She doesn't need this anymore," and reached into the top of my head and pulled out a two or three inch wide, dirty grey gauzy strip of material. About five feet long. Exactly my height. He threw it away and number two said, "Well, she doesn't need this either," and pulled out another long, dirty strip. They all proceeded to take out maybe four to six more strips. I was being relieved of what I had picked up in life that was destructive and needed no more. Almost as if I were cleaned from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Untruths I had believed in absolutely were simply thrown away.
I do not know how I arrived here. I know I was no longer in a body form. I was instead an oval shape and yet still very much me. There were others just like me. All exactly alike. Maybe one hundred, maybe ten thousand. We were all sitting side by side in many, many rows. The same, all the same being made of the same universal stuff.
We were all part of and partaking of this. This is difficult for me to tell. I can't begin to put into words anything about this that would even be close to the reality. I was facing Jesus Christ, above me and directly in front of all, seated on a huge throne. The massive wave like pulsations were all around us and through us. We were covered with and in side of this, ineffable, ineffable, I don't know. This is what is. This is so overwhelming even now that I want to throw my self on the ground and sob for the loss of this. This is what is, all there is, we are of this and we are here now with and for this.
Then I had the thought, "I was in back, not the front, not close to him as the others were," and I became angry, furious even, as a little child being kept from what she needed and I said, "Why not me? They all get close, I never have what others have."
Before the thought was finished I was a foot away from Jesus, face to face, next to him with his eyes staring into me, yet still where I was with the others. He told me, "You have everything that everyone else has. All have the same." I was again enfolded in the pulsations.
A figure, a man touched me from behind on my right shoulder and said, "You have to go back now." I heard it and ignored it. He tapped me and repeated it. I yelled, "No!" I knew I would never go back. I was where I belonged and was staying. I had been there and it was over. Now I was home with Jesus and would never again go back.
Someone took my shoulders and began pulling me away and I began fighting harder and harder and screaming, "no", but they were completely calm and at peace as they threw me backwards and down. I slammed into my body, landing on my back and laid there horrified at what had happened.
I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling and the closet of my bedroom. I lay there filled with despair and horror. I had been thrown out. Thrown out, and the desolation was deep and terrible.
The alarm clock went off and I stood up and stared at my open palms, shaking, thinking, "I'm back, oooh, I'm back, I'm really here." I dressed, ate, got my books and went to school as if it never took place. But, Oh, it did. It was always with me, but never admitted, which was strange because it seems now, as if it was always right in my face while I denied it.
Looking back now I see I was in a state of shock for many years. I had been thrown back, tossed away, completely changed and nothing fit anymore. There were no answers anywhere because it was 1961 and the questions weren't even asked. It didn't happen because it didn't exist.
The world I came back to was incomprehensible. People lied and I watched and was shocked. "Why is he lying to her? They both know she can see through him". But she didn't and I didn't know why.
I was lost and I left home because I could not fit in anymore. What was important before was less than nothing now. What was important I could not speak of without being considered psychotic. According to my psychology classes I evidently was schizophrenic, but it didn't seem so. And yet I knew I had left my body and gone somewhere else, even worse, I wanted to leave this world again and go back. Yet I was very calm, there didn't seem to be much to be upset over.
I did have times of tremendous peace and moments of knowing, at times almost as if there was someone unseen at my side. Oops, psychotic again.
I haunted book stores and libraries, thinking someone must know what happened, what this is, but I never even got close to an answer. My life became a roller coaster.
In 1970 I found Emerson's Essay's. It was clear he knew. I read his essay's over and over again trying to feel home once more. That was a start. Then Jane Roberts and Seth surfaced. More information! At last I was learning something. I found Richie's book of his experience and recognized what had happened to me. His book was a life line.
I had not died and I had no life review, but oh, the changes it had made in me. I came back stripped of any ability to hide my thoughts or attitudes. Indeed I found it difficult to lie, believing people could see through me. That all was known. I had a tremendous thirst for information about almost everything. There was still something in my hands and I would look at my palms and not know what to do with them. But there was something there, there still is, but what? What was I supposed to do? I don't know. I knew things I shouldn't and began to get what I call packages of information if I was curious enough to open them. And I was always curious.
I was called naive and thought to be a dummy because I didn't understand what was simple to others. Yet I excelled in school and it became a lark. Strange events took place around me, physical events happened that don't happen. I began to see dead people whom I knew and a few I didn't know.
I found Robert Monroe, Moody, Betty Edie and the rest, I began to mention it to my husband. The poor man was very worried about me. So I told my best friend and she tried to believe me so I made her read the books. Only five people know, so this is my debut. I am hoping I will have fulfilled what ever I am supposed to do. You` see, I still don't know. The only ones who can know are those who have experienced it.
They are the only ones I accept any information from any more. I am done listening to experts who never experienced anything. Their theories may sound great, even learned, but they aren't even in the ball park because they don't know where it is.
Thanks and blessings to all of you who have told your stories. They have been many, many lifelines to me. Maybe I will be a help to someone. Meet you in the great beyond folks, because for certain that's where we will all be.