My Near, Near Death Experience.For many months now, I have been trying to find answers on the web, answers to all the questions I have in mind after what happened to me 9 months ago. I came to this site by chance, and I feel some of you might help me.
Please forgive my poor English writing skills: I am a native French speaker.
I never had a NDE, properly speaking. I believe some religions call what I had: "enlightment" or something like that. Sometimes I wishes it never happened to me, since I am now quite depressed. Let me tell you why but first, let me explain what happened to me. Last year, I had the opportunity to follow a 4 days training session: "From Alienation to Inner Freedom". To make a long story short, these 4 days changed my whole life. What I learned from the priest-teacher (a Christian Orthodox mystic) sounds pretty much like what I've read on this web site or other NDE sites...
A few weeks after my training session, I was reading about the economy, about the problems we all face today, about the fundamental macro-economic mistakes we have made during the past hundred years or so. All of a sudden, I understood all these mistakes came from one single "issue": we don't know who we are! We don't know where we are from, we don't want to know where we are going to, we hate to think about death and what comes after. We don't know much about our true nature and, worst of all, instead of trying to learn, we rather fight against nature, we fight our own nature. One symbol explains very well all this: the ouroboros -- the snake eating his own tail. This absurd inner fight of ours (eating our own tail) is the source of all "cycles" in history (the ouroboros is, among other things, the symbol of the repeating patterns). This is why, for instance, history always seems to repeat itself! But somehow, a tremendous joy filled my heart: I felt the "snake's meal" is almost over. An inner voice told me: "Don't be afraid! You see, 'evil' is just an illusion! Humanity is now getting prepared to break free from that illusion."
I also felt all the answers were in our hands, but we were constantly ignoring them. Why? Because we are afraid and we can't forgive! You might not see the logical link between the economy and our personal guilt and fears (i.e: what prevents us to Love), but this is a bit too long for me to explain on this forum. A whole book would probably be necessary. One day, who knows?
This is when things became interesting. Immediately after I realized all this, I began to FEEL a tremendous feeling of energy. I am not kidding: I felt Life, I felt Love all around! Physically I felt tremendous heat behind my head! It was exactly as if a HUGE fire was lit behind my brain but I never felt any kind of pain, quite the contrary. Sometimes, I had tears of joy, sometimes, I felt sorry and sad because I felt we were hurting God by our "ignorance of how much He Loves us". I also felt one with the Universe, I felt God was everything, everywhere. I could communicate with people without using words: I could guess what they wanted to ask me and they could guess what I wanted to tell them! Sometimes, people in the street came to me and started to speak, to let me know how difficult their lives were. I just listened patiently, sometimes wondering "why" they all seemed to trust me. Some people told me they had the impression they knew me. (deja vu?) I also felt for the first time that I didn't "HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES": all I had to do is to follow my intuition, so long as I was SYNCHRONIZED. Everything was making sense!
I could even guess where we all are heading to! Yes! I think I "received" some informations about the future, the way we are building it right now. We can change it, but we don't seem to be willing to change anything, unfortunately.
Words can hardly describe what I felt at that moment: I somehow knew "I was in paradise" or some place very close from it. I understood neither paradise, nor hell are "places you go to after you die": these are special states of mind, that's it! You can go to paradise right now if you want. I felt "death" was just similar to a "graduation party". "Life" is just like a school, something that has been granted to us for us to learn. Learn what? Learn to Love, which also means, learn to get back home, where our Father desperately waits for us. I know this sounds strange, but it is exactly what I personally understood at that moment. I swear this all came suddenly "from inside my heart", not from my readings! I never got that interested in NDEs or any paranormal experiences before: as an electrical engineer, I used to trust Sciences more than anything else.
My personal "inner visit to paradize" lasted about 3 weeks! Since day one, I knew this would not last forever, for I knew I still had many things to learn, many fears to overcome. I knew my "enlightment" was kind of a gift from God, to help me get rid of my Fear, my doubts and my ignorance. However, I never expected to feel as depressed as I am today.
How did I get so depressed? First of all, because it is over!!! I wished I never left that special state of mind... Perhaps you felt the same after your NDE, I don't know? I know I may go back there one day, but I am sometimes scared I won't...
You see, my sister, who just graduated as a psychologist (and she doesn't really believe in God if you see what I mean), immediately diagnosed severe "schizophrenia" as soon as I spoke with her about how I felt at that time. You have to know I somehow felt COMPELLED to tell everyone around about what I had "discovered", as if it was my mission on earth: Love people and tell them they should NOT be afraid of anything, no matter what happens! I also told them a few things about the "future" and this is where they all got really scared. My sister did a pretty good job of convincing everyone, including my girlfriend, my father, my friends, my brothers and sisters, that I was a "shizo".
My girlfriend urged me to seek medical help (she told she would leave me if I didn't). So I went to an expert psychiatrist, but he said I was OK and there was nothing particularly wrong! Unfortunately, this wasn't enough to convince anyone around me: they all believed I kinda tricked the expert. They believed I lied to him, or simply told him what I wanted to tell him. They all said they were very concerned about me, they were visibly terrified by what I've said. They all said they loved me very much and wanted to help me.
Nine months have passed since I left my "enlightment" state of mind, and I still feel guilty for all the pain and the fear I have caused people around me. This new guilt I have makes me wonder if all this wasn't just a dream. Many doubts arose within my heart. Today, I am struggling with new fears: "am I crazy?", "does God really love me?", "If yes, why did he want me to leave paradize?"
I am wondering if all the ideas I've had at that special time truly were from God? Maybe my sister is right afterall: maybe I appeared to have a mental condition because I accidentally let another spirit to take control of my mind? How else could I possibly explain the fear and the pain I have caused my family to feel? Sometimes they asked me if I became a prophet, but they were clearly joking. On the other hand, I have to tell you I really wondered at one time if I was not truly becoming a prophet.
Obviously, something went wrong and that something forced my friends and family to "reject" my experience, to treat me as I was insane. I don't know what exactly went wrong? The only thing I know is that I still can FEEL similar energy throughout my body for a few seconds when I am praying. This is the only evidence I kept to believe my "enlightment" wasn't just a "mental condition". However, I am scared to talk about all that today. I am scared and ashamed at the same time. Sometimes, my sister reminds me how much she feels concerned about me: obviously, she doesn't believe I am totally cured yet.
Hi E., welcome
You have come to the right place to post your experience. No, you are not crazy. Your friends just don't understand because they have not experienced what you did. It is not your fault they are afraid of what you saw.
What you did was normal, when I had my experience I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone, but like you I soon discovered "everyone" did not want to hear what I experienced and became afraid of me. This is very common among near death experiencers.
So we learn to be careful who we talk to about our experience, and form support groups, and message boards such as this one.
It is also normal to feel "let down" after the passage of time, but there is much to do and many to help. Each of us, including you, have a mission on this earth. You may know what it is already, or you may learn as time goes by. It would be good for you to read and study the experiences of others. This will help you adjust to your new knowledge and show you ways of using it constructively to help others.
Just living an honest, truthful, and kind life will help ever so many to know that it is possible and desirable to do this.
Perhaps you will write your experience in a book, and/or post it elsewhere so others can read it. What you do and become here on earth is your choice.
Jesus said: "Blessed are those that have not seen, yet believe."
When you become depressed, remember the greater whole of everything and how fortunate you are to have seen it. Know that it is yours forever, and no one can take it from you. The "energy" you still feel will remain to remind you. I still feel the energy after 16 years.
Love and God Bless
choose only love
For a French speaking person, you write very well in English! I'm also French speaking and I suppose that you, like me, didn't find anything serious on the web in French concerning nde. Apparently, in the French culture, ndes are immediately linked with turning tables, ufo's, and other types of sects. Don't forget, the French revolution abolished the catholic church and God with it. Ils ont jete le bebe avec l'eau de la baignoire !
I understand very well your problems with people surrounding you. I think that we'll have more difficulties to convince anyone in the French culture than in the English culture. But hold on to your truth! You see, just right now, you made someone happy: me. I know now I'm not alone across the ocean.
My opinion would be to stay free from all religions or sects, our families and friends are right on this point to fear for us.
I admire your courage to have gone to a psychiatrist when your family asked it! My brother-in-law is a neuro-psychiatrist and, just one time, I let out laughing, after a wedding mass, the sentence: 'No, I wasn't bathing in The Light during the mass'. He lifted up his eyebrow so high that I understood that even this was a step too far.
My husband, to whom I spoke of my experience one day he was having heart problems – I thought that I could soften his fear of death -- got so upset that I could get involved with sects or churches ( grenouille de benitier) that I gave up all conversations of God, life after life or anything else with him. But I stand up when justice isn't respected.
Our friend Lekatt is right to advise you to read all other ndes that you can. Even if this won't tell you what to do exactly in your particular life, it brings back that wonderful feeling of love.
Many of us are homesick. This is probably one of our trials on earth. Feeling ungifted after a while apparently is a normal process. Les secheresses de l'ame as the great French mystics write about it! Reading these old books helped me understand a lot of what was happening to me. Therese d'Avila and St. Jean de la Croix had hard times to explain and write what they experienced in those ancient times! You'll find them on the net in French.
My first son is a freshly graduated electronic engineer, I hope and pray that he too, and my second son also, may one day see the light!
Don't feel guilty if you got your friends and family upset, it will make them think a bit, be more aware of certain things, maybe later on. It wasn't useless.
Hold on and have a nice day exploring life on earth!
And once more, thanks to Lekatt for this forum!
(I hope that one day, there will be a honest one in French!)