Last night I couldn’t sleep and tried to meditate and pray while laying in bed in various modes of rest and sleep. Who can be in this world and think there is nothing else and be happy? Seems to me the connection to God and Love is essential to living a happy life.
Everything we touch, see and hear in this world ends. It’s such a dark thought that the random accident of evolved biology we call our brain “figured out” a way to be self aware and that there really is no “self,” only random atoms that got together in an intelligent way without any intelligent guidance for some reason to play a cruel trick on us, and to give us the ability to think we are a “self.” Further, that we are playing a cruel trick on ourselves creating a belief in a “self” when all along we are nothing. Only a mass of atomic energy swirling around that somehow taught itself to delude itself into thinking it was something more than the body when proclaiming a “self.” All misery comes from thinking we are alone, and destined to die and cease existence. Worse yet, that we will suffer IF there is another realm, and worse yet, suffer for eternity if there is an eternity. So the Course in Miracles teaches us that all suffering comes from the guilt of separation. I find this to be true, why should I feel guilty about anything if I know I am part of the living God, but the original “sin” or thought keeps rattling around and causing pain. In any case now I have no trust that I am connected to my Source when I am fearing for my job because I see no positive things happening, and reason that there just might not be a God working on my behalf. Just as bad is the thought that God exists but is unaware or uncaring of my plight. So I feel guilt because the consequence of my separation thoughts has caused my unbelief and fear, depression, you name it.
I feel very fortunate to have been raised at a time when there was great reverence for the divinity of God. In the times that I remember feeling a connection in Mass, or elsewhere, I never felt anything but a great Love awaiting me.
What am a telling you this for? I know I have a different understanding of God now. Guess I’m just looking over my old beliefs and experiences to try and see bright spots of connections and understanding that I have experienced.
Well, I’ve wandered in my writing, really only reminiscing now.
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