Embracing Responsibility

It is my habit, on the week-ends, to go to the local mall and look through the book stores. I am an avid reader of non-fiction books.

On one of these trips to the book store I was looking for a CD of Monk Chanting, I had heard about it on a TV ad.

As I entered the door I was approached by a young salesgirl, she wanted to help me find what I was looking for, and led me right to the CD. Then she asked, “are you a religious person.” I replied that I wasn’t religious, but spiritual. With tears in her eyes she asked me to pray for her, saying her life was a mess.

This encounter was the beginning of several months of brief discussions about her marital problems, and how she could solve them.

Whenever I visited the book store she would meet and talk with me. She felt her husband was cheating on her. About one day a week he was staying out late at night, not saying where he had been, nor what he had been doing. He would say, “I was out with friends, and you should just trust me.” Then a heated argument would ensue, with the accusations leading to verbal abuse and alienation. She could see her marriage slowly slipping away from her. She wanted to find a way to stop the arguments.

Not having a lot of time, I explained to her that since it took two to argue, she could stop the fights by not confronting her husband. She didn’t like that way of stopping the arguments at all. She said, “I am not the cause, he is, he is the one doing wrong, he needs to stop doing what he is doing.”

So for the next several months in quick talks I explained to her that she was not responsible for the actions of her husband. But she was responsible for her own actions. Refusing to argue and taking time to understand and consider the situation was the best approach. I explained we can’t control other people, but we can control our response to other people. It is our attitude that matters, it is the most important part of life.

Finally one week-end she said she decided to try out what I had said about not arguing with her husband and waiting for an understanding of his actions. After that, a couple of weeks went by without her being in the book store, so I thought she had changed jobs.

It was another week before I saw her again working in the store. She came up to me with a big smile. I could tell she was a changed person. She said, “last week I was thinking about what you said about my responsibility, and I could “see” it for the first time, how I truly am responsible for my actions and my life. At first it was very scary to me, like I was alone, by myself, but then the feeling changed to confidence and trust.” She had stopped arguing with her husband, and he had become more concerned about her. She had also applied for a better job and got it. One that paid more money.

Then she said, “I don’t feel like a victim any more, I still don’t know if he is cheating on me or not, but now with a better job and thinking more clearly I can better decide what to do with my life.”

We said our goodbyes, she didn’t need me any more. She had taken a giant step into spiritual maturity, and I was very happy for her.

© 2009, Lekatt. All rights reserved.