Suicide NDE accounts 02.

Visited by Angel.

My experience wasn't something I was very proud of, and certainly nothing I will ever -- on purpose -- repeat again. As you can tell just from what I said so far, I did try to take my own life once. Since then I have learned quite a bit about what life is for (helping others), mostly by having my eyes partially opened by my experience and by reading quite a bit about near death experiences since my little mishap.

I've already heard the argument that Christians preach about the dangers of Hell, because without it there's little or no reason to accept Christianity. I've never been the type of person to follow anyone (no matter what position of authority he/she happened to be in) or any philosophy blindly. And so even if the Christian God is in control of ALL, He is certainly arrogant and not worthy of a following. I'm not saying I'd rather rule in Hell than serve in Heaven (I actually just like being free to help people when I can and enjoy life along the way) but, taken literally, the Christian (fire and brimstone) God deserves no respect and in fact deserves to be fought against: For God so wanted power that he gave his only begotten Son that whomsoever believes in Him can go to a military style Heaven and be his warriors and obsequious slaves. The rest can suffer forever in Hell by burning forever and never find peace. We are only humans, God has almighty powers. Seems if He were really Perfect as Christians profess He is, He wouldn't be such a bully.

Anyway, now that I've spouted off, I'll tell you more about my experience. I didn't hear any voices or actually talk to anyone on the other side (as some say they have, i.e. long dead relatives, etc.) I closed my eyes after taking lots (2-3 bottles) of sleeping pills (mixed liberally with about 1/2 bottle of wine, and I don't normally drink). But first I had called 911 just as soon as I took all the pills. I couldn't think straight with all that alcohol in me. I was kind of chickening-out. But right after I made the call, I walked out of the house, again determined to die, and found a wooded area about 1/4 mile from my house.

It was a very obscure area, I tried to hide from the police (since I knew they would be coming) just to sleep into what I thought would certainly be nothingness. I happened to believe at the time that Heaven and Hell didn't exist at all so I was just seeking The End. When I finally kind of fell onto the ground behind some trees I felt extremely weak and tired. My face hit the dirt and I couldn't lift it up to make myself a little more comfortable. I was breathing in dirt, being face down. My eyes closed, I made an attempt to open them, but my eye lids wouldn't respond to my will to open them.

There seemed to be no time gap between then and what happened next. I opened my eyes and sat up. I couldn't move my legs and they caused me great pain. I found myself in the dark, the horizon to wherever I was was only very slightly lit up, maybe by some kind of sunset just ending. But it was about 1 pm when I called 911.

I was certain I was supposed to be dead, but here I was feeling very much alive, in great pain in my legs, and shocked to still find myself conscious in some other world. I was in another wooded area, not the one I was in when all this started. I've argued this point with one family member since this time. But I must insist that this was not the same place I fell asleep at. The grass around me started growing wildly as soon as I opened my eyes. I moved my hands through it and as I did more grass grew up around me. It sounds strange to say but the extremely tall green grass was holding me prisoner. I prayed to God loudly (considering all I just said above, I have to admit to being a hypocrite, a coward, or both): "God, please don't let it end here! Not this way!" I heard animals coming, but I didn't see any. I tryed to crawl, as much as my legs hurt I just tryed to ignore the pain. I tryed to crawl on my elbows past the grass, keeping my head down. I could hear something near just about breathing on me, a presence.

Somehow I did manage to crawl away from whatever presence I was feeling. I still think it was some kind of animal(s) I heard and felt near me. I was praying just about all the way and I attribute my prayers for getting me out of the grass. But then I traveled downward, as if crawling down a hill. When I reached the bottom (it was pitch-black all around me) I felt myself crawling in some kind of swamp. I tried to crawl out of it but instead, since I couldn't see anything around me, I felt like I was going deeper into the water. I almost gave up, my will to keep crawling was fading. But I think that what kept me going just a little longer was an intense fear of the animals I thought might still be around me. I kept going and noticed that the water did indeed start to become more shallow and finally I reached dry land. I was soaking wet.

I'm not sure how I got from being dead, or what I was sure was dead, from being alive again. I know my story is confusing because it confuses me. When the rescue team did find me I was wet and they couldn't find any body of water where it might have come from. And no, it wasn't urine I was soaked with. It was muddy water, and I was wet head-to-toe. This was mid-October, and I was starting to shiver when they found me.

But none of what I relayed to you so far is, to me, as interesting as what happened to me in the hospital. I think I saw an angel of somekind with me in the hospital room. Now I don't know how common/uncommon or unusual this is to say but (1) I happen to be near-sighted. (2) I broke my glasses when I fell on my face in the woods. (3) I saw the grass (fuzzy vision, but I could see it definitely was grass since I was right on top of it) when I thought I was in Hell and my broken glasses where nowhere around me there. (4) In the hospital I was back to not being able to see clearly without my glasses. But with these facts taken into consideration, I must say I saw what I interpreted to be an angel with me in the hospital room after my wife left (from visiting me). It had very long blondish/shiny hair. The hair seemed to even be glowing and its lenght reached his/her feet along its back, very staight hair. It was wearing a long, flowing white robe.

The way it looked at me seemed to me like I was supposed to be interpreting something by its gestures. It wouldn't talk to me. I keep calling the angel an "it" because I couldn't see it well enough to tell if it was male or female. If I had had my glasses I could tell. But it was real, it was there and I was very much awake when I saw it.

The angel stood on a chair near a sink at the foot of my bed. A mirror hung over the sink. The angel looked at me and looked at me for long periods by looking in the mirror, not by turning around to look at me directly. Well, it actually did turn to look at me, turning away from the mirror, only once or twice, to look at me directly. But the angel was in the room with me for quite some time, usually looking right at me by gazing into the mirror.

I saw some expression on its face (when I squinted hard to see). I think it was a she but I could be wrong. She seemed to be smiling at me and her smile conveyed to me many emotions at once. She was like a mother who sees her child do something foolish, yet she took a kind of pity on me for my foolishness, felt sorry for me. She seemed to understand my embarrassment for what I had done/attempted to do. She also seemed to convey that I was going to be alright, that my life was going to go on and that she would be proud of me for my accomplishments -- if I chose the right path -- which I hope I have (I had been and still do work with the developmentally disabled, I have been doing this work for nearly 10 years now).

She never waved good-bye before she left. And like I said, she never talked. It was so hard to see her without my glasses, and at the time I was so frustrated by that. I couldn't tell if she was trying to say something to me. I'm not sure her mouth moved to speak or not. She made no grand exit or entrance. She just appeared and then disappeared after about a half hour to 45 minutes. I waited to see if she might reappear and when she didn't, I just went to sleep.

Over the past couple of years I've tried to replay the events around the suicide attempt, to try to determine what happened when. When did I die and when did I come back. I suppose I have to admit, after typing this, it is at least possible that the drugs I took made me hallucinate everything. But it all seemed extremely real. And looking back on it, it still seems like it was real. I just don't think I imagined the tall grass, the animals (or presence of animals), or especially the angel. Of all the things, I'm sure that angel was real. Everything was so real in fact that the experience makes me question the nature of existence.

I'd like to think the Bible is just fiction or history stretched to encompass mythology. But when so many people are offering so many solutions/suggestions, it's hard to know what to believe or how to interpret unusual events. What I had were some very unusual events that still don't give me any clear answers.

I'm not a person prone to the paranormal. Up until that suicide attempt, I had never had anything unusual happen to me. Since that event I've tried even harder to do well at my job/occupation since I think, from somehow interpreting what that angel was trying to say to me, my job is my "mission" on this earth: People with developmental disabilities are very special people who need special attention and care. I have a feeling that I'm supposed to help these people enjoy their lives, bring laughter into their lives whenever possible, help them learn to cope with their problems.

Maybe my interpretation is a little unusual, but looking back on the visit from that angel I think she was somehow relaying to me (even if it wasn't verbal) that I needed to work hard at helping the developmentally disabled. I wasn't supposed to "go" yet because of the work I'm supposed to continue to do for them. I don't know why I'm interpreting her visit in this way, but it just seems like a natural interpretation for now.

Anyway, thanks for your time.


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